Flick Page 4

  ‘Yeah, well, I saw you coming out and …’ I falter.

  ‘And?’ she asks, raising an eyebrow and dragging on her cigarette.

  I shrug, then gulp, ‘I just wanted to talk,’ I say quickly.

  ‘About what?’ she persists.

  ‘I dunno.’

  ‘Fancy a cigarette?’ she asks.

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ I say and reach for one.

  ‘You know you can’t do blow-backs with ordinary cigs,’ she says.

  ‘Ha ha,’ I say as I light it. There’s silence as she stares past me into the darkness. ‘I was really hurt by what you said inside,’ I say quickly, before taking another drag.

  ‘Ah, relax,’ she says.

  ‘I’m sure you wouldn’t like people to talk about your family that way …’

  ‘My family are all dumbasses and anyone can say what they want about them; I couldn’t give a damn!’ she replies bitterly. She looks at her watch. ‘So,’ she smiles, the bitterness gone just as quickly as it came, ‘you liked our little tête-à-tête the other week?’

  I look at her, wondering if she is just playing games with me or whether she honestly wants to know. I shrug. ‘Yeah,’ I say.

  She leans towards me until her face is so close to mine. ‘Oh yeah?’ she whispers, a smile on her face. ‘How much?’

  ‘This much,’ I whisper and I kiss her. She kisses me back and I immediately forgive her everything. ‘I love you,’ I breathe after a moment. I don’t wait for a reply but kiss her gently again.

  She pulls away from me and takes a drag of her ash-laden cigarette before flicking it away. I furrow my brow and stare at her, wondering what’s wrong. A noise distracts me, but it’s just some couple leaving the club. I turn back towards her with a smile.

  ‘So you’re definitely a lezzer?’ she asks. The smile is frozen to my face but I’m cringing at her abrupt tone.

  ‘Well, I definitely like you,’ I say, hoping she’s just looking for reassurance, ‘and I hope you like me.’

  She raises her eyebrows and I feel the hairs on my neck and arms prickle.

  ‘You’re pretty,’ she says, taking another drag, ‘but you’re so naive. I mean, look at you.’

  I feel the muscles in my body tense, ready for a punch.

  ‘You’re only a little frustrated lezzer who thinks that just because a girl kisses you she likes you or is like you!’

  I gulp and look around hoping no one can hear. My mind is whirling. I want to cover my ears; I don’t want to know what she has to say.

  ‘I’m not remotely interested in you,’ she continues with a sneer. ‘The night we kissed I was going to shag your pathetic brother, but thanks to your archaic parents I ended up snogging you. You were, unlike me, in the right place at the right time! Tonight … well, tonight I was just curious. You say you’ve come all this way for Kev’s match but here you are with me, fumbling around, not having a clue what you’re doing and promising undying love!’ She laughs and pulls on her cigarette again.

  I stand frozen to the spot and instead of walking away I just stare at her.

  ‘I mean, you don’t even bloody know me and you’re telling me you love me!’ she says. ‘But you know what I’d love to see?’ She pauses and looks into my face. ‘Your parents’ faces, especially your mother’s – and Kev’s – when you tell them you’re a lezzer.’ She laughs.

  ‘I’m not,’ I say. ‘I like guys too.’ I try to sound convinced but I can feel the tears welling up inside me.

  ‘Right … you’re bisexual,’ she sneers, ‘except you’ve probably never even shagged a guy or you’ve just snogged them to prove to the girls that you’re one of them.’ She flicks the ash from her cigarette onto the car bonnet. ‘I know your type!’ she scoffs.

  I feel like she’s looking into my soul and I want to run away but can’t.

  ‘I thought you liked me,’ I finally snivel. She just looks at me. ‘Why the hell did you kiss me?’ I ask.

  She leans in really close to me and waits. My eyes flicker towards her as I feel her lips touch mine so softly that for a second I’m not sure whether she’s kissing me or not. I taste her caramel breath. After a moment she stops and whispers in my ear, ‘Cause I want to see how much you can take.’

  Somewhere behind us car wheels crunch on gravel. She stops and we watch as a large silver Mercedes swerves around in the yard. For a moment it’s headlights blind us. I shield my eyes while Becks looks away. The lights give a quick flash. She looks back towards it.

  ‘Well here’s my lift!’ she says.

  ‘Oh …’

  She smiles and puts her bag on her shoulder, ready to walk away without a second look.

  ‘See ya,’ I whisper.

  ‘No, you won’t … unless you’re going to start stalking me,’ she adds with a laugh.

  The hurt sticks in my throat.

  ‘Ah, lighten up,’ she says, ‘you take it too seriously.’

  She stands and fixes herself then bends and kisses me full on the lips again. I don’t pull away, but close my eyes and kiss her back. After a moment she stops, takes another drag of her cigarette then turns and walks away. She stops by the passenger door, casually finishes her cigarette and flicks it away before looking towards me one more time.

  ‘Go home, Flick; I’m sure there are plenty of innocent little schoolgirls there who’ll do whatever you want them to and who’ll tell you they love you every single day!’ she says, sliding into the passenger seat. The car’s tyres skid on the gravel and it speeds away. I stand there watching her and the red tail-lights disappear.

  CHAPTER 10

  I don’t know how long I stand there. After a while I think of the others waiting and wondering and I know I have to move. I don’t want to see them or talk to them but even as I think it I begin walking back towards the door. I know now that there’s only one thing to do: I’m going to completely forget about Becks and every other girl. It’s guys and only guys I’m interested in and boy, am I going to prove it tonight!

  ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ I say, ‘I was being chatted up and couldn’t get away!’

  ‘So where is he?’ Kar asks, giving me a weird look.

  ‘Um, somewhere over there,’ I say. ‘I’ve managed to escape.’

  ‘Right,’ she says.

  I figure she’s annoyed that I’ve interrupted them so I glance towards Kev, thinking I could chat with him and Fee but they’re snogging the faces off one another. The other alternative is to go walkabout and find myself some talent. I look at the gangs of lads laughing and drinking around me and every molecule in my body fills with dread. So instead of doing what I had promised, I end up staying with Kar and Mike and, of course, I drink and drink and drink.

  ‘So, what’s she like?’ Mike asks me as Kar heads off to the loo.

  ‘The best,’ I slur. ‘She’s really funny in a sarcastic kind of way but you better not get on the wrong side of her – boy oh boy, some people that have crossed her haven’t lived to tell the tale!’

  ‘I better stick with you, so!’ He comes a little closer.

  ‘No, no, don’t do that; she’s lovely, just your sort … Me, I’m boring and dull and –’

  ‘Just what I like,’ he laughs and he’s pulling me away after him, past what seems to have become a makeshift dance floor and into a dark corner.

  ‘Shouldn’t we wait for Kar?’

  ‘We’ll go back in a minute; you’re not Siamese twins you know,’ he says, staring at me. Before I know it he’s kissing me and I just let him. When he pulls away it’s to whisper in my ear, ‘I’ve got a little present for you.’ he says.

  ‘What? For me?’ I ask, confused.

  He gives a quick look around then leans in closer towards me. ‘Close your eyes, put out your hand and see what Mike will give you.’

  I giggle and do as I’m told. He places something in my hand and closes my fist around it then he touches his finger to my lips. ‘Shh,’ he whispers and smiles.

  I open my hand just
a fraction; my heart is racing and I gulp as I stare at the small white tablet. A mechanical half-smile automatically appears on my face. Damn, I think, what the hell will I do now? I don’t want the tablet – I don’t even have a clue what it is but I know what they’ve done to people; you always hear the worst. I wonder if I can say no or even just pretend to take it. When I look up he’s watching me intently.

  ‘Bon appétit,’ he says. Oh, to hell with it, I think and I pop the pill into my mouth and take a long swig of beer. ‘So, have you done this before?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah, ages ago,’ I lie, ‘but I’m not sure it was the real thing; it didn’t really seem to work.’

  ‘Oh, trust me,’ he says confidently, ‘this will definitely work!’ He winks, pops a pill into his own mouth and washes it down with his beer. Within minutes my head is spinning, my heart’s racing and my legs feel all wobbly. So many bloody people, I think, and they won’t stop moving. My eyes start going all screwy so I close them and feel like I’m floating. The music seems louder than before and the blood in my veins seems to throb in time to it. Mike goes and comes back with more drink, some beer and water, and for the rest of the night we laugh and move in time to the beat and go crazy on the dance floor.

  CHAPTER 11

  ‘Flick … Flick.’ I drag my eyes open and it still takes me a few seconds to recognise Kev bending over me. ‘Come on, you can sleep in my bed with Fee, I’ll sleep here on the couch.’ I close my eyes again. ‘Flick,’ he calls, ‘Flick!’

  ‘I’m fine here,’ I groan, ‘just get me a pillow and blankets.’

  ‘You sure?’ he asks. I don’t have the energy to reply so I don’t. He’s back in a few minutes, lifting my head and throwing a thick woolly blanket over me. ‘Will you be OK?’ he asks again. I barely nod, just pull the blanket over my head.

  When I feel him pulling me up a little while later I want to scream. ‘Go away,’ I moan, ‘I said I’m fine here.’

  ‘Flick, it’s me, Mike.’ I don’t reply. ‘What kind of a gentleman would I be if I let a lady sleep on the couch while there’s a double bed upstairs?’ he asks.

  I still don’t reply, just silently beg that he’ll go.

  ‘Come on, gorgeous,’ he says as he drags me up.

  I give a small cry of panic.

  ‘Flick, I’m not leaving you down here on the couch,’ he grunts as he tries lifting me into his arms.

  My eyes flick open. ‘Fine, fine,’ I snap, suddenly awake, ‘just let me down!’

  He eases me to the ground and I feel my way shakily towards the door, my head spinning faster and faster. I feel so sick. I collapse onto the bed the minute I get to his room. I can feel him at my feet, taking off my boots. I want to tell him to leave me alone but I can’t so I just turn over and pull the blankets over me. I wake again when I feel him sliding into bed beside me.

  ‘Aren’t you sleeping downstairs?’ I croak.

  ‘Ah, you wouldn’t throw a nice guy like me out of his own bed would ya?’

  I’m too tired to argue or let it worry me so I just turn over and fall into a deep sleep.

  The nightmare doesn’t come for a long time. A shadow looms over me, pinning me down so that no matter how hard I try I can’t move, then a constant pounding as the weight above me jerks back and forth. I try to get up, to turn away, but I can’t. I feel warm clammy hands caressing me as beads of sweat drip onto my face and neck. I struggle to free myself but can’t. I try to scream, to call out but suddenly his lips are on mine kissing me hungrily. He grunts in the darkness as he continues to move back and forth over me. I try to pull my arms free, to move but they’re stuck, so I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, hoping it will make everything stop, and though it continues for a little while longer there’s finally one last thrust before it fades away.

  CHAPTER 12

  Oh my God, oh my God!

  I wake to find Mike fast asleep beside me. I rack my brains, trying to remember but the night’s a blur; all I know is that I need to get out of here, fast! Instead I lie rigidly, afraid to move, wondering how I’m going to get up without waking him. My dull headache begins to pound and throb. Ever so slowly I sit up and edge towards the bottom of the bed then tiptoe towards the door. I turn the knob with excruciating slowness; it creaks as I pull it open. I stop and hold my breath then, without turning around, I squeeze out into the hallway. I stand and listen for a few seconds just to make sure he hasn’t woken, but all I can hear are Kev and Fee’s voices downstairs. I slip to Kev’s room, grab my stuff and head towards the shower. It’s only when I’m nearly dressed that I realise my boots must be back in the bedroom. I curse myself as I sit there before finally moving. Please God, just this once, let me get in and out without waking him, I think, as I creep slowly along the thinly-carpeted hall.

  I hold my breath and push the door open. He’s fast asleep. One of my boots is in the middle of the floor; the other, unfortunately, is under the damn bed. I bend and stretch in to grab it just as the bed springs squeak. I freeze, praying he’ll stay asleep. I think about crawling further under the bed so he won’t notice me. The springs creak some more and I hear him groan. Damn, I think, damn, damn, damn.

  ‘Hey, Flick, is that you?’ he asks croakily. I roll my eyes and reluctantly pull myself up.

  ‘Yeah,’ I mumble, ‘I was just, uh … getting my boot.’

  ‘What time is it?’ he asks.

  ‘It’s after twelve,’ I say, standing up. ‘Um … I’m going to have to go,’ I continue and veer towards the door, ‘we have to get an early bus home this afternoon.’

  ‘That’s a pity,’ he says, propping himself up on one elbow.

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ I lie, ‘it’s always the way.’

  ‘So, how’s the head?’ He grins.

  I shrug. ‘OK, I guess. ‘I better go,’ I say again and turn away.

  ‘Flick,’ he calls, sitting up in the bed. I plant a smile on my face and look around reluctantly. ‘I’m sorry about last night,’ he says sheepishly.

  ‘Which bit of last night?’ I ask lightly, thinking it’s the drink he’s talking about.

  He looks embarrassed and then he’s speaking so quickly and quietly that I’m sure I’m picking him up wrong. ‘Um, you know … when the condom burst. I’m really sorry. I can’t believe it happened.’ He pauses.

  I furrow my brow, confused by what he’s just said.

  ‘Will you be OK? Will you be able to go to someone to get the morning after pill … just in case?’ he continues quickly.

  It takes a minute for what he has said to sink in. I stand in stunned silence. My legs feel weak and my stomach starts doing somersaults. I reach for the bed and slump down.

  ‘What are you talking about Mike? What condom?’ I ask weakly. I wait. Let this be a joke, I think, just a stupid joke.

  Now he’s the one to look surprised. ‘Don’t you remember last night … when we were together?’

  ‘We weren’t together,’ I say; ‘I fell asleep straight away.’ I stare at him, hoping he’ll agree. ‘I think I’d remember something as important as having sex,’ I snap, ‘so I don’t know what the bloody hell you’re talking about.’

  ‘Flick,’ he whispers as he looks worriedly towards the door, ‘we both woke up during the night and it just happened. Don’t you remember?’

  ‘No,’ I say as parts of my nightmare flash before my eyes, ‘no.’ I shake my head to try and get rid of it. I feel a choking sensation in my throat. I can’t cry, I can’t swallow and suddenly I can’t breathe.

  I run to the bathroom and puke. When I’m finished I just sit on the floor for a long time. My head is spinning and voices swarm around like a nest of angry bees. ‘Idiot, fool, slut, you can’t even remember having sex, you’ve been raped, there’s no way you can tell, not now, not ever! I cover my ears to stop the voices and suddenly he’s there again, standing over me.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he asks.

  Do I look OK? I want to scream. ‘Fine,’ I say bluntly, as I scramble up and
wash my face at the sink. There’s some mouthwash there so I rinse and spit a few times. ‘I have to go,’ I say walking out past him and going back to the room for my boots. I pick them up and turn to leave.

  ‘Flick, I really like you and I’d love to go out with you … if you want?’ he says. I feel sick again just listening to him. I know he’s just covering his back and I want to scratch his eyes out and tell him how much I hate him.

  ‘I have to go.’ He moves as if to kiss me but I push past him and walk away.

  ‘Flick,’ he calls quietly again, following me into the hallway. I stare back icily.

  ‘Have you enough money … for the doctor?’ he mumbles. Is this idiot trying to pay me off? I wonder as I grab my bag. Will money clear his conscience? Maybe he’s afraid I won’t go near a doctor, that I’ll just hope for the best. I turn away and head downstairs.

  I walk straight out into the front garden and puke again and again. By the time I stop my head is spinning and I’m shaking all over. I lean against the house and cry.

  ‘Jeez, Flick, are you alright?’

  I hadn’t even heard Fee come out. I shake my head and wipe my hand across my face.

  ‘Tell me,’ she persists, ‘what the hell happened?’

  I can’t stop crying.

  ‘Flick, tell me,’ she begs as she puts her arm around me. I close my eyes. ‘Will I get Kev?’ she asks.

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘I’ll be OK. I just need a few minutes.’

  ‘So … is it Mike?’ she eventually asks.

  I bite my lip. I can’t bear to think of what’s happened, of what he did and there’s no way I want anyone to know. This is one secret that I can’t ever tell – not Fee, not anyone. I shake my head as I try to get rid of him from my thoughts.

  ‘Flick, you’re scaring me,’ Fee says, ‘just tell me what’s wrong.’

  ‘I have to get the morning after pill,’ I whisper.

  ‘You mean you did it?’ she asks, ‘are you OK? Wasn’t it good?’